Qwery Qwednesday
Evening everybody.
I’ve calmed down a bit since yesterday. See? Part of it (a Large and Significant part?) is exhaustion. Over the past twenty-four hours or so, I took my manuscript through Round 1 of a serious thrashing editing. It’s now with betas (hi, guys), and I’ve promised myself not to touch it for at least a few days. Meanwhile, my dear, dear husband took me out for drinks and dinner to celebrate tonight. I ate fish and chips and ate a drink that was blue as pool water, in honor of my merman. Dear, dear husband is now sleeping on the sofa beside me, “watching” Shark Week, leaving me to contemplate my query letter.
Ah, query letters.
I don’t hate query letters, not quite–that honor is reserved for synposi. I just suspect that I’m not very good at them, at least not for queries on my own projects. My first draft of my query letter for THE STONER SORTER netted me one request–it wasn’t until my sixth version, written just before I gave up on the project, that I’d started to generate some interest.
So I figure that, what with my deep and abiding love for SEAS RUN DRY (have I mentioned to you guys that I love this book? Really–I love this book), I should start this thing off right. With a query letter that shines. And because I’m not very good at this, I figured that it can’t hurt to ask THE INTERNETZ for a hand.
Hi, INTERNETZ!
So what follows is the draft of my query letter for SEAS RUN DRY. It’s cliche. It’s bland. It’s a little too long. The writing feels flat. It needs your help.
Please, tear it apart–either in the comments or via email (phoebe@phoebenorth.com). Be harsh. Be ruthless. If you need more information, ask away. But, please, please, save my merman from drowning?
Dear Agent:
Mermaids. Sirens. Undines. Whatever you want to call them, seventeen-year-old Loril was raised by the people of the water. But though he was born in the sea, he’s not fully of it. As the son of a human man and a mermaid, Loril is a Walker, able to travel between two worlds, growing legs on the shore and a tail under the waves. But as he nears adulthood, shifting becomes increasingly painful. Soon he’ll have to choose between a bleak life with his dying pod and the alien world of a father he’s never even met.
Eighteen-year-old Irene Cleveland also faces a choice. Wild and impetuous, the shore where her family spends their summers has always spoken to her—or sang. Now, as the bassist for a Bon Jovi cover band, she’s spent most of this final Jersey summer playing gigs at boardwalk bars. But August is simmering to a close, and she’s supposed to give it all up soon to chase her mother’s dream: a scholarship to a prestigious art school in the city. What her mother doesn’t know is that Irene’s been considering ditching college completely so she can stay in the sandy, seamy boardwalk town she loves.
But then she meets Loril—lost among mankind as he searches for his dad—and her choice becomes a little more complicated.
Over the course of one tumultuous week, Irene helps Loril find his father and learn what it means to be human. She also begins to fall for him, hard. And the better he gets to know Irene and her world, the more his own choice becomes clear. Until tragedy strikes, threatening to separate the two teenagers forever.
SEAS RUN DRY, complete at 74,000 words, is a YA paranormal romance. Its vivid setting and relatable teen characters make it a great beach read for fans of Maggie Stiefvater’s Shiver. I have attached the first ten pages for your perusal.
As for myself, I am a New Jersey native who graduated in 2009 from the University of Florida’s MFA program. I maintain a professional website at phoebenorth.com, blog about my life and writing at phoebeeating.com, and proofread for the speculative fiction magazine Strange Horizons. I can be reached at any time at (xxx)xxx-xxxx, or at phoebe@phoebenorth.com.
Thank you for your time and consideration!
Phoebe
Phoebe is a 20-something writer who lives in New York State with her husband and cat. She is a dork, not a geek or a nerd.
Her debut novel, Starglass, will be released from Simon and Schuster Books for Young Readers in Summer 2013.
6 comments
Overall, I think this is really solid. But here are my thoughts.
First of all, I think the first paragraph is near perfect. Good flow, good concept-showing.
The second paragraph is where the pace (or my interest) slows. The best way to show you this is to chop out the parts that mean little to me [in the query context].
"Eighteen-year-old Irene Cleveland also faces a choice. As the bassist for a Bon Jovi cover band, she’s spent most of the summer playing gigs at boardwalk bars. But August is simmering to a close, and she’s supposed to give it all up soon to chase her mother’s dream: a scholarship to a prestigious art school in the city. (But how can she give up the seashore she loves? [something like that])"
Then you could say, "When she meets Loril, recently turned human to search for his dad, her choice becomes a little more complicated." (Okay, I nitpicked "lost among mankind" but that phrase is too passive for me.)
I don't LOVE the last paragraph, but it does what it needs to do.
The rest is great. It's so nice having good resume stuff, huh? I think this book is gonna sell.
Also, I critiqued this REALLY fast, and so I'm going to think on it more. Maybe I'll have different/better suggestions later.
I realize that what bothers me about the last paragraph (of the pitch part, not the whole query) is this: "Over the course of one tumultuous week, Irene helps Loril find his father and learn what it means to be human." It's too final to me. Like you're spoiling the ending. Saying "tries to help" instead of "help" is weak and doesn't work, so I wouldn't suggest that. But I wouldn't define it so much as "this happens" and "that happens." Instead, "this is the direction they might be moving toward."
The last three sentences in that paragraph are good.
Okay, awesome–I agree with all of the above. I'll play with those paragraphs and see what I can do. Thanks, Jaimie!
I'm no querying expert, but from what I've read online you shouldn't start a query with the premise – instead you should start with the conflict and 'explain' the background through that.
Which is difficult and frustrating with a story like this, where you really need to know the mer-people thing for it to work, but that's what I've seen everywhere. I suppose it might work if you started with something like this part:
But then she meets Loril—lost among mankind as he searches for his dad—and her choice becomes a little more complicated.
Rephrased obviously, but there's the 'starting point' of the story…you'd just need to explain the merpeople aspect in the following paragraph.
If it's any consolation, my query-to-be (not finished the WIP yet, obviously!) is going to have exactly the same problem.
Thanks for the feedback, Sean! I'll take that into consideration on my next draft.