Allez-query!
Happy Sunday, everybody!
I’ve had a crazy weekend so far. My dear friend Nicole came to visit, with the intention of going with me to see Maggie Stiefvater read about an hour away. We got all geared up to go yesterday, but promptly got stuck in the worst traffic I’ve ever seen. Seriously–we drove for three hours, finally getting within 6 miles of our destination, when the GPS told us that we still had another twenty minutes to go, and that we’d miss the reading entirely. So we tried to make the best of it: we got lunch at a schmancy little hole-in-the-wall restaurant that was decorated like a log cabin, then later met up with some very cool friends of hers to go to a very cool bar–Piratz Tavern in Silver Spring, MD. There was much grog drinking and rejoicing.
Us, in a parking lot, making the most of it.
Nicole, trying to hide her horror at the cost of a steak in this joint.
(I’ve also been sitting on a pretty big professional decision this weekend, which I’ll likely write about in a day or two.)
But Nicole’s gone now, headed back up to New Jersey, so it’s time for me to get some work done before my Sunday night television ecstasy of Mad Men and True Blood. And I’ve decided to put some time in on my submissions, which is where you guys come in. I’ve sent out my first batch of query letters on Seas Run Dry; eighteen, so far. And I’ve gotten two partial requests (yay!). That makes for an 11% request rate, which is nice, but could be nicer.
Last week I drafted a shorter pitch section for Adventures in Children’s Publishing’s query contest thingy, as they were requesting only 175 words. And I ended up liking my new pitch quite a bit, though it uses a different conceptual framework than my original query (as suggested by Sean Wills in my original query post, I’ve moved the conflict/the meeting of characters up to the beginning). I’m curious to see which you guys think is stronger. Take a looksie, please, vote in the poll below, and leave me comments if you have any other thoughts! Your taste could help determine THE FUTURE OF MY CAREER.
First up, query 1:
Seventeen-year-old Loril was raised by the people of the water. But though he was born in the sea, he’s not fully of it. As the son of a human man and a mermaid, Loril is a Walker, growing legs on the shore and a tail under the waves. But as he nears adulthood, shifting becomes increasingly painful. Soon he’ll have to choose between a bleak life with his dying pod or the alien world of a father he’s never met.
Eighteen-year-old Irene Cleveland also faces a choice. Wild and impetuous, she’s spent most of this final Jersey summer playing gigs at boardwalk bars with her band. Now August is simmering to a close, and she’s supposed to give it all up to chase her mother’s dream: a scholarship to a prestigious art school in the city. But Irene’s been considering ditching college completely so she can stay in the seamy seaside town she loves.
But then she meets Loril—lost among mankind as he searches for his dad—and her choice becomes a little more complicated.
Over the course of one tumultuous week, Loril begins to fall for Irene, hard. But he’s not sure what will happen when she discovers his secret. And though his pod waits for him, hoping he’ll one day take his place as their leader, he’ll soon discover the terrible truth about his human family—when one of them threatens the life of the girl he loves.
SEAS RUN DRY, complete at 75,000 words, is a paranormal romance for young adults.
And query 2:
When eighteen-year-old Irene Cleveland meets Loril Walker at the boardwalk diner where she works, she’s struck by his sparkling eyes and exotic accent. But she’s shocked to find out that he’s more than foreign—he is, in fact half-merman. He’s come to the boardwalk because he faces a choice: spend the rest of his life at sea with his dying pod or settle down in the alien world of a father he’s never met.
Irene’s been facing hard choices, too: breaking up her band, leaving her friends behind to go to art school in New York City. She’s even been considering ditching college completely to stay in the seamy seaside town she loves. Falling in love with Loril makes these choices a little more complicated. But his pod waits for him, hoping he’ll one day take his place as their leader. And soon the couple will discover the terrible truth about Loril’s human family—when one of them threatens Irene’s very life.
SEAS RUN DRY, complete at 75,000 words, is a paranormal romance for young adults.
Now vote here!
Thank you, as always, for your help guys!
Oh, and incidentally, if you’re not reading Sean’s book review blog, or watching Jaimie Teekell’s vlogs, then you’re not reading and watching vlogs. Or something. Really, I’m all about those two writers lately.
Phoebe
Phoebe is a 20-something writer who lives in New York State with her husband and cat. She is a dork, not a geek or a nerd.
Her debut novel, Starglass, will be released from Simon and Schuster Books for Young Readers in Summer 2013.
17 comments
I like the second blurb better. It focuses on Irene as the main character where the first was really blurring the focus over the two. I think it is more crisp too. Most of Loril's backstory is what we should get in the story probably. Not all of it, of course, because some of it causes conflict. I think you cut out the right parts. Looking good!
Thanks, Meadow!!
I clicked that link thinking 'Sean's book review blog? Why, that sounds like something I'd be interested in!' When my own blog came up I just stared at the screen for a second, wondering if Google Chrome had spazzed out on me. Thanks for the recommendation! New review of The Traitor Game goes up tonight
Also I can't vote for some reason (so, uh, I guess Chrome really is spazzing out after all), but I think the second one is much better. It's shorter, makes it more obvious what the actual plot is, and introduces the book's main draw much more quickly. I know I'd be interested in reading more if all I knew about the book came from that.
Oh wait, now I can vote :/
Sorry about the poll trouble! WordPress was being a little jerk and I had to switch services to get it to kick in.
Thanks for the feedback, Sean, and you're welcome for the linkage! I've really enjoyed your reviews so far; I think we need more critical, high-quality review blogs in YA.
I'm going to be contrary: I like the first query better. I prefer the extra meat on the bones there … though I agree it makes it sound like Loril's book.
By the way, if you go with #2, I would ditch "sparkling eyes." It's such a well-worn phrase that it really has no impact. I suggest a more obviously aquatic substitute.
Definitely blurb #2 because it's more concise.
Definetly the first! It gives me a better sense of the overall story, and about the characters themselves.
Thumbs up for sneaking the word 'seamy' in there!
I like the first one better if the narration is either alternating or third person.
Hmm, it is. Thanks for the comment!
If you use the second one, I would simply say that Loril's a merman, not half-merman, because what IS that? And then: "…spend the rest of his life at sea with his dying pod or in the alien world of the human father he's never met."
Also, I think you can just say "threatens Irene's life" without the very.
Well, I wanted to somehow communicate that she wasn't being completely dense in not noticing that he didn't have a tail. But I could tweak those lines–I wasn't entirely happy with the end line, anyway.
If I tweak those, which would you prefer?
Aww, thanks for the plug, you. I'm having a bit of a down moment (it has everything to do with me needing to go into work tomorrow morning, early, to a very grumpy Monday office) and that made me smile.
I voted for #2 because I think it's better. However, I LIKES #1 because it fleshes out the story more. I wish you could go with the #2 order of events but add some of the meat of #1 to it.
I had to go with the second query. I read through the first one and thought it was good, but halfway through the second one I had to stop because I knew that was it.
Good luck with the query process! You're an excellent writer with an awesome story so I think you'll do just fine.
I love the first…though I know, most people are going to go for the first because it's concise.
Why #1? The writing is great (flows like…like… WATER, really!) and drew me in immediately. And starting with Loril makes for more intriguing reading.
sorry, typo…i meant I know most pple are going to go for the SECOND because it's concise.